Time Machine

So, I was pedalling away on the stationary bike at the University gym yesterday, entrenched in a superfluously written Vogue article by a mom and her son's near death experience while they were on vacation. They were skiing in the Alps and he wiped out and tore his trachea but no one really paid attention because he felt fine until all of sudden he couldn't breath and they had to rush him to some crazy Swiss Hospital and then to France so he could recover. And now he's fine and completely recovered and living life to the fullest like any 20 year Oxford student old should.

So here's me on the bike in the gym, almost about to cry over this article about this kid and his new lease on life. He was 18 when it happened and I guess it really changed him- woke him upand now he's doing things he never would have before because he saw how short life could be.

8 years ago this month, when I was 17, I rolled a car. I was dropping off my friend Jens' boyfriend Matt after crew practice- taking the dirt roads home (because that's kind of all there is in some parts of Micanopy) and it was sort of dark but not like it really mattered- I'd been driving this stretch of road for as long as I can remember. I had the window down and I think I was listening to Live or something- just singing and driving. And I took this curve too fast and the van started to fishtail pretty wildly and I panicked and tried to correct and ended up over-correcting, sending me across the road into a chain link fence, I don't remember what I did next.
All I remember is fear, not knowing what was going to happen. I was still going straight, but I was taking out a chain link fence as I went. Then all of a sudden the van flipped over onto its roof and proceeded through more chain link fence, slowly coming to a stop. And I just hung there. From my seatbelt, upside down. The music was still playing on the radio and I couldn't get the keys out. I couldn't get out of my seatbelt because me dangling from it was disabling the release mechanism. I had to push my self off the steering wheel to relieve the strain so I could actually get out. I remember flashing my lights at passing cars. I remember no one stopping.

I got out of the van and ran to the nearest house I knew- I used to babysit for a family who lived back on these roads. I know I must have looked like a mess, totally disoriented and shaken and just attempting to tell them what had happened but probably not really even doing that. I remember running back to where I had left the van and now there were a bunch of people around, an ambulance and a firetruck. They were looking for a body because they figured, surely, the driver must have gotten thrown; the windshield had spiderwebbed in completely and most of the other windows were shattered.

I remember telling them I was the driver. They made me sit inside the firetruck. They asked me if I was okay. I remember telling them I had trouble breathing and that my lower abdomen hurt. They tried to get in touch with my parents over and over again. They could not. They had to take me to the hospital because I was a minor and they couldn't reach an adult. I was strapped to one of those accident boards and put in one of those neck stabilizer things just in case. They put and oxygen mask over my nose and tried to give me an IV of glucose but couldn't find a vein.

When we got to the hospital, I don't really remember being rolled in or moved. I remember a doctor hovering over and asking me if I had a boyfriend and what religion I was. I think he was trying to see if I was oriented?

I know that Jen and my boyfriend at the time were in the waiting room (the family I had run to called Matt who called Jen who then called my boyfriend, Chris- the Micanopy grapevine...) They had gotten there before me. The hospital was in Gainesville where they were. My parents came shortly there after. They couldn't be reached because they were out celebrating their
wedding anniversary but they had checked the messages at home-- a parent's worst nightmare.

I remember having to pee so bad and they wouldn't let me til they ran some tests. My mom told me later they were going give me a catheter but she didn't let them. I remember getting so many x-rays because of my lower abdomen hurting. Turned out I was fine, just sore from hanging from the seatbelt, I had crazy bruises for a few weeks. I remember the small cuts on my arms and legs from the broken glass.

When they finally let me out of all the straps that held me down to the accident board, I remember popping my neck and the sound it made and how the nurse jumped and Chris and Jen just said, "She does that all the time."

The Sheriff's Deputy told me he wasn't going to give me a ticket because it looked like I had done enough damage for one night. I had totalled a car and caused probably over $1000 dollars in property damage. Apparently, I wasn't the only Micanopy kid to wreck on that curve.

What strikes me the most about this memory- I don't think I was close to death. If I had my window up- things might have been a lot uglier for me and if I had my friend in the car (which would be normal but she was at a friend's house doing a paper we had due the next day) things could have been really bad; what strikes me most is that I don't remember apologizing to my parents for all the damage I caused and cost them. I don't remember being affected by this brush with danger. I don't remember it changing me or yanking me out of some youth-induced coma of thinking that I'm invincible and life is plenty long and why I should be more careful? I don't remember it making me more courageous and cautious at the same time. This is sort of
painful to think about. That I missed out on this chance- this life-changing awakening. That I wasn't as affected as I should have been, as cognizant of my actions and their effects and responsiblity to my family. I am a much safer driver now than I was then- I still get a little shakey when I take big turns and driving alone through the mountains in Tennessee from Illinois home to Florida almost gave me a panic attack.

But what I wonder the most, what was I thinking? Did I even apologize to my parents when they walked into the hospital? Wouldn't that be the first, the very first! thing out of my mouth?

I was so very sorry. Still am, even though we have long gotten over it. I think about it a lot though. Where was I-- that I wasn't moved or even aware that this is something that does not normally happen to people, is something to take stock of, time to re-assess the choices here. One could take a look at plenty of the choices in my life and wager I haven't learned much since then. I think I disagree. I am a risk taker, I know this about myself.

This also came up because one of my good friends in the program is considering transferring next semester and moving to California to go to school there so she can be with her boyfriend like their original plans but stuff happened and she ended up here- maintaining a bi-coastal 5 year relationship. Now she doesn't know what to do. So she asks me. I tell her maybe I'm not the best person to ask, I've been known to drop everything and move some place completely different just to see how things go. And sometimes they don't end up like you planned. She nods; she knows the bare minimum of my past history. I am finding myself reluctant to share here.
I'd rather just listen to everyone else. It's easier than explaining myself.

I guess the point of this that I want to be more present in my life- to really notice everything, the little things and the big glaring things. I don't want to miss out or settle either.

So maybe I have learned at least one thing...

_________________________________________________________________
Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! Download today - it's FREE!
http://messenger.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200471ave/direct/01/